Self-Care is Not About You

Even though I’m a therapist, I kind of hate self-care sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in it and talk about it all the time with clients and colleagues. I know taking care of myself is important. But there are days where I struggle to make it reality.

There are days where I feel unworthy or incapable of being healthy, responsible, and caring towards myself. I get stuck in seasons of superwoman-ism, martyr-ism, or just plain-ol’ self-destruction. And on those days, “self-care” just feels like one more thing I’m failing at, don’t need, or don’t deserve.

But what I’ve started realizing is that failing to care for myself doesn’t just impact me, just as an addict’s substance abuse doesn’t just impact him or her.

Martyrs and superwomen usually struggle with people-pleasing and codependency. I’m no exception, and those tendencies are usually a huge stumbling block for me. But recently I’ve found a way to hack them and use them for good. On the days when I’m tempted to say, “I don’t want to exercise this morning”, “I don’t deserve to take vacation time, or “I don’t need to process that grief, I’m fine”, I’ve stopped fruitlessly trying to shame, guilt, and “should” myself into doing it anyway.

Instead, I remember that even though I don’t want to exercise today, my husband does want to come home and have a normal, calm conversation with me. And he can’t do that if I’m all pent up with the stress and frustration that I didn’t get out on the run that I didn’t take.

I remember that even if I don’t feel deserving of a vacation, my employers are deserving of an employee who is alert, rested, and energized which won’t happen if I get burnt out.

And even if I don’t think I need to process my grief (ha!), my clients do need a therapist who is emotionally available for them, and I can’t be that if my house isn’t in order.

Some mentally healthy people might hear this and be appalled. “Sarah, you can’t only take care of yourself in an effort to meet other people’s needs! You have to do it for you!” Many of my clients hear the similar adage, “You can’t get sober for other people, you have to do it for yourself”. But I find that for most of my new clients, that’s just not a reasonable expectation right at the beginning. Sometimes you have to walk before you can run. Yes, the ultimate goal is self-sustaining, internally-motivated, true recovery. But sometimes in order to get there, we have to start with “I’m doing this for my kids”, or “I just have to pee clean long enough to get off of probation”, and then something happens along the way.

So for those of us who struggle with self-care, I encourage you to brainstorm. Even if you don’t want, deserve, or need to be healthy today, who else in your life wants, deserves, and needs you to be? There’s no shame in walking if you can’t run just yet.