COMMUNICATON

Recently I came across a concept on the internet that has given me a new reason to think about the ways that we communicate. This is a social theory that originated in a chat forum, so it is interesting but not based on any study. The theory holds that we are born into one of two cultures- an Ask culture, or a Guess culture. In an ask culture, people directly ask for what they need or want, fully knowing that the answer could be “no.” Ask culture people have been taught to ask for their wants and needs in a direct way.  In a guess culture, people have been taught that asking directly is rude, and so they hint about what they want and need, only asking directly when they are sure the answer will be yes. When an asker meets a guesser, there are problems because the direct approach comes across as presumptuous or rude to a guesser, who then may feel an obligation to say yes and may resent being put in a position where they have to say no. A guesser may feel frustrated when an asker cannot read the subtle communication cues of the guesser. Likewise, an asker may feel frustrated about the seemingly passive aggressive communication style of a guesser.  

In my family, guessing was the way we communicated. This theory resonated with me because I was taught that to ask for things is rude. You had to feel out how things were going, what kind of a mood a person is in, you had to interpret financial cues in order to know whether to ask for a new pair of shoes for example. And even then, the safer thing would be to talk about how your shoes where falling apart and hope that someone got the hint.

As an adult, I try to be an asker. I prefer to know a problem or need up front so I can work on it in the open. I have practiced taking criticism constructively and just generally prefer directness- I find that guessing really triggers my codependency, causing me to make assumptions and create narratives that may not exist. Still, in certain situations, like when I visit my family, guessing becomes my default.

I think we may all have tendencies toward one or the other communication style, but there may be times when it is necessary to use both. I think the middle ground is probably the most effective strategy- to see and acknowledge the subtle cues of people around us while still communicating clearly and directly.

I often think of the ways in which we use communication and how it is so important. There are few things in this world as isolating as feeling misunderstood.

Here is a link to an article that discusses the concept a bit more. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser

SABRINA DEQUASIE, LPC